Cosmic Platforms & Thigh-High Boots Review: Post Pandemic Wardrobe

We’re still prisoners of the “panini” but thoughts about the future, including what we’ll do after the “panini”, has been looming over many heads. Aching to date again, to eat in a sit-down restaurant, to go watch the latest blockbuster in a tangible cinema. Just imagine the possibilities! It’s been a waiting-in-the-doctors-office kind of year so what’s the solution? Answer: party harder than ever before once all this blows over.

That’s why I wanted to buy shoes suitable for clubbing amongst flashing lights and techno bass. Lockdown wardrobe cleanouts revealed that my wardrobe was lacking sequins and glam in every way possible. Doc Martens, Puma runners, sandals. No height, no sparkle, no joy. When clubs were open, there was no need to own fancy shoes or a cocktail dress because my group and I strictly went to strictly casual dress code drinking holes.

Things change. Now, after a year of pajamas and slippers, I want to be more glamourous. Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan will be templates for my new party life. But two obstacles are: my refusal to wear high heels and an extremely picky taste.

High heels feel like shards of glass murdering my toes and arches. It’s not a heel height issue because ANY and EVERY height feels like snail paced, merciless foot crucifixion. Dancing without tears is my game plan so all beautiful heels were shoved aside — not even a “maybe”. Flat shoes weren’t a solution either because with a cocktail dress, they look very mid-2008-Kirsten-Stewart-awkwardness. I’m on my way to dance, not trudge to school. No savory memories from that underage institution…

Well, what’s left you ask? A platform boot. If you’ve never stumbled across a pair, they’re comfortable, stylish and look daring partnered with glitter. There were nice platform boots online but I wasn’t looking for only nice. There were other fabulous platform boots online but not affordable enough. After searching and searching and more searching, Dollskill was the website that had an array of platforms at a price I could part with.

Dollskill hosts various brands and stocks an inhouse brand. The “Eye Of The Storm” reflective platform boots by Current Mood set my capitalistic heart ablaze. After pondering for six months — didn’t want to act too rash — I finally snatched them up. They look like they’ve crash landed from space! They’re holographic, in the dark they look deep grey/purple but in the light they reflect a spectrum of shiny purple, pink, blue and green hues. Purple is the most dominant colour making these boots an ideal cosmic outfit essential. Photographs criminally misrepresent the psychedelic kaleidoscope of Aurora-Borealis-esque hues — trust me.

A bonus of the design is the lack of laces or zips. Roleplay time! Imagine it’s 5am. Mascara is streaming down your left cheek while your right hand clutches a bacon double cheeseburger. After you devour that meaty, juicy burger, sleep is the only option. Laces and temperamental zippers hold no place at that unholy drunken hour before Mr. Tweety Bird starts chirping, so velcro straps are kinder.

Sizing is snug — the size I ordered was slightly bigger than my regular size, yet at the same time thick socks would be a no-go zone with these bad boys. They are ankle boots so keep your lower calf size in mind at checkout. Weirdly, Dollskill is coyly vague about their material information because the detail dropbox says that these platforms are made from “Man Made Materials”. That’s a wide-open answer alright.

They have a 2.5″ heel and 2.25″ platform, which to the non-Einstein’s means that these platforms are as flat as an ironing board mixed with Goldie Locks “just right” height. The snug sizing adds some obstacles that could impede on a night of slut drops (a squatting down and snapping it straight back up dance move). But I can confidently overcome this flaw. Perhaps they need more wear and tear to become more flexible? Overall, these shoes will be strutting between every dancefloor in the city once normality resumes.

Remember my hatred of heels? Well, little did I know about a trick some red carpet celebrities were hiding up their rich sleeves. A video caught my attention revealing that some celebrities put numbing cream on their feet to avoid heel pain. Flabbergasted? I’d avoided beautiful heels like the plague, why didn’t I ever think about this?

Research was conducted. Youtube videos had mixed reviews and soon I found out that numbing cream easily available abroad was prescription only in my neck of the woods. “Hello doctor! Yes, I’ve booked this expensive appointment just to ask for a numbing cream prescription so I can wear pretty heels painlessly”. Hmm, nah.

Eventually I found a numbing cream that was available without prescription. Despite it’s tiny size, it worked! My toes felt no burn. Heels were indifferent. High heels weren’t such hard work anymore. But once the numbing cream wore off, the pain returned instantly! The cream is pricey so I’ll make sure to save it for special occasions.

Now that I have an uno reverse card, it’s about time this woman get herself a pair of thigh-high, red, vinyl, high heel boots. Why? Let’s go back to 2018. Where? Mnet Asian Music Awards: MAMA, for short. Korean popstar Hwasa is on stage in red, vinyl, knee-high boots and a red latex bodysuit. She’s jaw-droppingly sexy and confident. Suddenly, those boots are all I can see in my dreams.

Shaking what her mama (get it?) gave her on stage became one of her most recognizable looks and I set out to buy thigh-high red boots with no more heel trauma alibis. I found the perfect boots on Dollskill, the Cherry Looks Could Kill Patent thigh-high boots. What I didn’t take into account was how these boots would fit my foot and lower thigh simultaneously. On the model, these boots ended mid thigh, but on me it’s lower down because I love my potatoes too much.

Sit down, unzip and PULL without ripping! The material is sturdy but I am weary of damaging the zips or material by tugging too much. If you have juicy thighs, get a size larger than you usually would to ensure they’ll comfortably fit. They’re made from a polyurethane blend and they have a chunky hemisphere shaped heel of moderate height. It’s an irregular shape but really adds a spin to undetailed boots.

In conclusion, these shoes are lightyears beyond my expectation (besides some minor sizing issues) and Dollskill have a wide variation of options with good quality and jaw-dropping designs. Call me when the clubs open back up! I’ll supply the numbing cream.

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